In search of chaos

I always thought the purpose of a human’s life or let’s limit it to my life is finding and maintaining peace. I was infuriated by the daily hulla-gulla, traffic noise, pollution, pokiness of my neighbors, unsolicited advice from my relatives, the national politics, cliché digital content, usual food, loud talks, idiotic TV programs, and the list is endless. I knew I would escape this someday and get to a place away from all the commotion. I knew I wouldn’t have to then especially find time to meditate on my work, passion projects and spiritual sides, I was sure it would come to me naturally. I knew I would then be better heard, and that I would matter a lot more.

Life gave me a chance to escape, and I grabbed it with both the hands as fast as I could. That’s how I landed at a place far from home, in search of peace. It was a dream come true, like many including I would say. A place with zero traffic, quiet, smiling people, unbeaten capital infrastructure, public transport, scenic landscapes, mountains, valleys, streams and rivers, melody of the birds, fresh scent in the air, snow and sun, decent workplace, unlimited leaves – no questions asked, no office politics forget about the national politics, no competition or jealousy, fair public policies, free education, optimum healthcare – a place straight out of the ‘ever-after’ described in the Bible and Quran.

Now was I looking for peace or this ever-after? I realize I was indeed looking for a life. And it got me into thinking can life be bereft of struggles? It then is equivalent to death, to the Biblical and Quranic ever-after. You cannot be a ‘living-dead’ then, can you? It wouldn’t be wrong in saying that now I have started to experience death in peace. But it also wouldn’t be wrong if I say that I died each day in struggle as well. My question is, what’s better? My discovery enlightened me that dying each day brings the motivation to rise, to fight death and live every day. Otherwise, is there any purpose to continue living in peace?

Life doesn’t require peace for it to continue, it requires a reason. And struggle alone can bring that reason. Facing it, standing tall against it all the time, for there’s no end to running from one utopian land to the next in search of peace. Upon looking back, I realize I was the most productive, efficient, and effective in chaos. As life drifted me towards ‘peace’, it brought me to ineptness, lethargy, and monotony. I was satisfied, but I am now not satisfied with this satisfaction as it means nothing but an end to my routine, rapport, and connections. Undoubtedly, I have been given the gift of time, which I am putting down the bin every single moment for I didn’t buy it. In my land, I had to fight out many odds to make or borrow time, it didn’t make sense then, but it totally makes complete sense now.

I have ditched peace. I am looking for chaos.

By: Nazneen Siraj Kachwala

Book Review: Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami

What I couldn’t stand while reading this book were cigarettes. Rest everything was proportionately out of order as expected. I personally was suffocated upon imagining the protagonist smoking so often that I had to put the book down many times to gulp in some fresh air. Sumire minus cigarettes otherwise was my dream character – an aspiring writer, curious, out of place, carefree, intelligent, seeker, unconventional – I think you get it!

I planned to read ‘Kafka on the Shore’ before picking ‘Sputnik Sweetheart’. However, given the size of that book and the time I had in hand, I picked a slimmer one. I have turned to fiction after a long time and this is my second Japanese literature in a row. I believe the first twenty to thirty pages decide whether the book will hold your attention till the end. I decided it positively for this book within the first five to ten pages. The first few lines that hit my mind were – 

“…but if I can be allowed a mediocre generalization, don’t pointless things have a place, too, in this far-from-perfect world? Remove everything pointless from an imperfect life and it’d lose even its imperfection.”

Reading Murakami, felt like reading something far from as well as very close yet hidden from the human realm. This book was first published in 1999, and I am sure much is already said and discussed about the text, story and its style. Since it was my first Murakami book, many things came to me mostly as a reminder and I’d like to talk more about it. While getting to know the main characters, somewhere in the beginning, Miu happens to ask Sumire,

“What sort of practical skills you have. What you’re especially good at. Other than reading a lot of novels and listening to music.”

That’s something real, it’s been a while since I have thought about it!

Many people live within a person, I believe. But what happens if all those people split into separate individuals altogether, where would you find yourself? Will a certain part of you move to some unreachable, unknown parallel world? – an indirect question posed by the book that keeps me wondering. Another thing that strikes me about the novel is its word in general.

“Every story has a time to be told, I convinced her. Otherwise you’ll be forever a prisoner to the secret inside you.” 

“If I do tell you the story, the two of us will always share it. And I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.”

And an important aspect of the book, a striking, unforgettable simile between ‘Sputnik’ and the travel partners – 

“And it came to then. That we were wonderful traveling companions, but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metals on their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they’re nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we’d be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing”

To end my writeup, I’d like to mention one of the best definitions of explanation and understanding I’ve read in a long time.

“Any explanation or logic that explains everything so easily has hidden trap in it.”

“Understanding is but the sum of our misunderstandings.”

Read the book not just for a twisted story, and narration, but for the psychological quest, and mental substance. I am sure to revisit the book sometime soon.

Review by: Nazneen Siraj Kachwala (originally published on wingedfables.com – https://wingedfables.com/bkreviewdetails.php?bkrevid=35)

One life, or many?

A scientific inquiry into the theory of rebirth

I have been a strong believer of the idea of one life, one opportunity. And that’s why I try shaping all my actions, decisions likewise. It gives me a lot of mental clarity, and an understanding that karma comes back full circle within one given lifetime only.

However, the theory of rebirth is not less intriguing. I have read and watched people who tend to remember things from their past, little children narrating the exact episodes of death and life dating centuries back, most of which is factually verified. One of the constant teachings of Vipassana is about Sanskar – of the past lives, not of one or two but that of millions of lives. And then as per the Hindu/Buddhist philosophy our karma leads us into the sphere of 7 lives, after which we attain moksha/Nirwana.

Okay, so much of it is surely out of my mental league to comprehend. They say a few things have no answer, right? Wrong! Everything comes with an answer, only the intention to find the right one varies. And I have always and will turn to science to seek answers. Maybe because mentally, I have adopted it as my first religion already. So, here’s my brief and I confess, an incomplete scientific investigation/thoughts about the idea of rebirth.

All living beings have been and will be passing information of all kinds in the form of genetic makeup from one generation to the next. This doesn’t necessarily relate directly to that of immediate parents or grandparents, but it is indeed a chain that goes back till the beginning of time. And perhaps some lost strong link of this entire network emerges in some form in some person with higher cognitive acknowledgement portraying itself as rebirth.

Also, the philosophy mentions the idea of humans taking the form of different species across various lives. When we die, our remains mix with the soil, air, water, ether, fire. There is a fair chance of these remains getting consumed by or transferred to other beings – ever seen a vibrant lemon tree bloom over a grave? Or bones being fossilised in rocks beneath the sea? Or beings thriving over flesh and blood (of course that includes humans too!). The consciousness at the genetic level is in constant movement, and interaction. It’s the universal law of energy conservation. 

But the biggest influencer that decides in what form eventually we are going to land up is Karma in the Indian philosophies. In a way, science surely can relate to the theory of karma partially, and in the long run in the context of rebirth. They say, you become what you consume through your senses – hence consumption becomes an important primary action. But Karma is mostly identified in the light of reaction and response. However, in my understanding, it is a secondary action. And we cannot leave aside the karma of other beings around us. It’s not just ours, just their Karma as well that frame our lives to an extent. Karma then becomes a double-edged sword – a part of it can be under your control, but a big part may not. But does this conform to the exact theory of rebirth as communicated and accepted in different philosophies? We are yet far from drawing exact conclusions.

Moreover, in my perception, we humans cannot visualise an end to ourselves. We want to continue living beyond death, and have a window to see as many chances coming our way as possible either to rectify our mistakes or just for the  sake of experiencing more. And perhaps that’s the main cause for the initiation of the theories of life after death either in the form of rebirth or in some imaginative cloud of heaven or hell.

Genetically speaking, it seems we all are reborn, with modifications brought in by evolution. Or can we say that we never really die in the first place? These questions open many different dimensions and related branches of scientific knowledge and philosophical debates – are the dreams I see in the night some happening of the past, prediction of the future, or reality of a parallel realm? Is reality real? Is there any difference in experiencing sleep, unconsciousness, and death?

We humans understand stories we relate to better than any other reasonable explanation. I hope to put a good story to my not-so-specific explanation and keep exploring for better answers, before accepting or rejecting anything in full.

In light & gratitude – Nazneen Siraj Kachwala

The right question

Now that I think, one of the most crucial questions I was asked as a child was what I would want to become when I grow up. Even though this was often asked in more of a social and professional context, I wish there were more layers to it, and deeper understanding around it. Although we are quite naïve as children, I think it would be more appropriate to ask – what kind of person we’d like to become – a more process-oriented approach, than the result-oriented method.

The kind of person we want to become has a strong connection to the basic human values we resonate with the most internally at all mental levels, our rights and wrongs, our do’s and don’ts, that’s the first step. Choosing paths without understanding our internal alignments means dragging through it for years without faring well either at the vocation nor at giving ourselves the right chance to pursue actions in the direction we wish to become. And even if we find the courage to make a switch, or manage to do well in life by making mental adjustments on and off, sometimes we can hardly compensate for the lost time, energy, and motivation.

If we align most of the actions in the direction of the person we desire to become, perhaps things in our heads wouldn’t be as messy at social, psychological, and personal levels chronologically. When we tend to become someone of some kind, it broadly points at becoming a socially acceptable being, which I guess serves as a good starting point. Obviously, we embrace many changes in ourselves throughout this journey, but that’s a different story on how we evolve towards becoming the human we want to see in ourselves.

A goal-oriented mindset has many limitations. There is always a danger of ‘what else?’ and being scattered throughout. Whereas a matured step is when we know the whys, whats, and hows of things we choose to do. This may sound ideal and unrealistic, but that’s what we aim for in the long run, isn’t it?

In light and gratitude – Nazneen Siraj Kachwala

Book Discussion – 8 Rules of Love: Jay Shetty

This year I have been a bit slow with books in general for some personal and professional movements in life. Jay Shetty’s ‘8 Rules of Love’ has been on my TBR list since last year, or probably ever since its pre-release promotions. I liked his first book ‘Think like a Monk’ which I had randomly picked while surfing in a bookstore. It brought along some contemporary insights into the ancient texts as applicable to the modern lifestyle. It turned out to be an immersive read for me eventually.

I have been following Jay Shetty and Radhi on social media, and they have done a good job marketing the book. And so I was curious to understand how and in what ways he connects and presents the most used and misused emotion/word/action (LOVE) in association with the Bhagavad Gita.

In this book, Jay strategically lays down some eight rules of love, in line with the four ashrama/stages described in the Vedic texts for a human’s life – Brahmacharya (preparing for love), Grahasta (practicing love), Vanaprastha (protecting love), Sannyasa (perfecting love). Now, we all try to decipher this emotion in our ways, every time throughout our lives, through different relationships, and formulate our principles and rules during the process. 

So if you are thinking why learn from someone else’s experiences when you have multitudes of awareness about it, you need to rethink. We do discuss our issues with our loved ones and friends. They do nothing but add their perception and try to clear our doubts. Treat this book like that friend and let it talk to you. That’s why, I would recommend this book to anyone across diverse age groups, and cultures to give it a read – the least it will do to you is that it will structure down your already existing thoughts about love and draw some outline for your future approach. 

I won’t go much into the details of the chapters but the rules are categorized into four segments namely, solitude, compatibility, healing, and connection. It starts with loving yourself, and ends with loving everybody – and of course everything in between. Besides, quoting the Bhagavad Gita, Jay often quotes real incidents from the life of his clients, learnings from celebrities, and tosses some short stories here and there that goes with the context. Although the book is written in an engaging style, I honestly had to take a break in between; I found some of the writing in the book not just monotonous but also repetitive from the content I had already consumed from his social media handles. But if you are a first-time Jay Shetty reader, haven’t heard from him yet, and have some inclination toward ancient Vedic literature, you probably would find this book interesting.

The best part for me in the book is when Jay builds the foundation initially about solitude and finding love for oneself. I guess most of us somehow manage to love and cope with others, and we do not find time to connect and understand ourselves first. That’s basic, yet difficult and rarely taught and considered. However, I found the conflict management part of the book quite idealistic. We all have our styles to handle conflicts, and it’s better if we improvise in our natural approaches otherwise it all seems only a well-rehearsed act. But that’s only my opinion, you can read and decide for yourself what works for you.

Each chapter in the book is filled with ‘Try This’ activities and every segment ends with a sample ‘Love Letter’ to self, partner, or for a reason. All of this kind of interrupted my reading flow. Plus I think it’s all too subjective as well. It could have worked better for me in a live workshop than in a book.

But I was extremely happy to see the end notes that mention some 265 references. You may choose to mark a few of your interests for further reading.

To end with, let me share a few lines from the book that I’ll dwell upon for some time:

“We feel like we have to agree for there to be connected, but we can disagree and still connect. We need to disagree in order to connect”

“I want you to recognize that when your relationship crumbles, you are not what’s breaking….Your expectations of your partner are breaking. What you thought you were building with them is breaking…Something is breaking, but you are that something.”

“Closure is something you give to yourself.”

“People aren’t always aware of their mistakes. They often haven’t clarified the situation for themselves.”

There cannot be one way or approach or the right way to love. We all have been working around the emotion all our lives, and yet we see no master of it. Love is how you evolve toward your partner, yourself, family, community, world and even beyond. Unlearning is an important skill according to me and we all have our skills. Use this book as a tool in a way that best suits you.

Written by: Nazneen Siraj Kachwala

Book Discussion – The Theory of Everything: Stephen Hawking

P.S.: This is not a review. In this piece of the write-up, I am only sharing why I chose to read this book, what changes the text has brought in my thoughts, what aspects of the subject I wish to study further, some disagreements, who should read this book, and why.

This is the third book written by Hawking that I have read after ‘A Brief History of Time’ and ‘Brief Answers to the Big Questions’ (I’ve posted the reviews of both books on my website/blog). I use this text mostly to brush up on the little understanding I have of astrophysics. I think it’s really important for anyone willing to understand the universe to have some idea of what’s going on in the core research areas even if the Maths of it doesn’t make much sense to you. Reading and listening to the physicists and researchers themselves bridges the gap in comprehension when any such advancements are reported either by journalists or non-experts. And this holds in all the fields of your interest. The movie (in case you have watched) ‘The Theory of Everything’ is a personal account of the life and struggles of Hawking. However, the book is entirely about the science of the universe and has no stories of the personal account of the physicist. It was written close to a decade earlier than the movie. The title of the movie, I suppose is only an appropriate pick to represent Stephen’s life, and as per the foreword written in Hawking’s latest book ‘Brief Answers to the Big Questions’, by Eddie Redmayne, the actor who played the lead role in the movie, Stephen was looking forward to seeing more of science in the movie, than his tragedy.

Pick this book if —

—- you are fascinated by the night sky, the stars, planets, galaxies, our sun, the solar system, our universe, and everything that goes in and around it.

—- you want to sequentially understand the evolution in the scientific theories about the universe by Aristotle, Galileo, Newton, Einstein, Hawking, and the ongoing research.

— you want to know what is the present scientific belief about the universe, whether it will keep expanding, at what point will it contract, whether singularity is a myth and what is the role of God in the making of the universe.

— you are curious to know the role of time when it came into existence and when it will end.

— you have some interest in knowing more about black holes, neutron stars, white dwarfs, positrons, supernovas, life cycles of stars, and their corresponding categorization.

— you wish to understand the difference between Newton’s theory, Einstein’s theory of relativity, and quantum mechanics theories and their role in mapping our understanding of gravity, the big bang, time, and space.

— you want to know the possibility of a unified theory that explains everything happening in the universe.

This book consists of seven lectures by Stephen Hawking covering all of this. A simple answer to why I chose to read this book is that I find all of this enthralling. I have started to believe that science is quite philosophical. And any student of science must study correlated philosophy simultaneously for a deeper connection with the subject, and to ask the right questions. 

For me these days it’s all about the philosophy of entropy, for example. The second law of thermodynamics says that with time chaos will inevitably increase. Let’s say you cleaned your house today, now with time, it is going to get dirty, things will be messed around, and as much as you try and put things in order, it’s going to slip into disorder. That’s how it is. So everything is imperfectly perfect, completely in disorder yet in order. And I cannot resist thinking about it.

Moreover, I am deeply moved by the grit and determination that Hawking has put in all his work, as for him the time was coming to an end anytime soon. As per his doctors, he only had two years to satiate his curiosity about the universe, and he went in with full force, only to find himself operating at the same consistency for forty years. 

Unfortunately, there is a huge gap in the actual technological know-how and progress in validating the mathematical theories by all of these physicists, and I think that’s one of the biggest challenges to human growth today. You know it is just on paper.

I am sure there are many ‘secret’ kinds of research being carried out by private and public organizations, but it’s all a game for the power of knowledge. And we know only what we are told we must know. Well, that’s a different subject of discussion.

I have realized that it takes decades for the advancements in science to find a place in our regular study books, so if you are relying on the knowledge of the universe you gathered from your textbooks, it is time you upgrade yourself with some real stuff. Although this book was also written approximately two decades back, books like this will help in building a stable foundation and bringing clarity to further cognizance. You may participate in many open-source online astrophysics and science forums, read research papers, ask questions, and listen to good science podcasts to stay updated.

I broadly have apprehensions about agreeing to a universe without God. I’ve lived the dry life of an atheist for some time, and chose to route back for some reason. And to find answers here, they say it’s essential to partner up science with spirituality. We will take that up next time! Until then read the book, and suggest some more books that you have read in the genre in the comments section for everyone to know. 🙂

Written by: Nazneen Siraj Kachwala

(this blog was originally published on http://www.wingedfables.com)

(Overrated)

Love comes to me easily
and I make it stay
although I know, I know in my heart
the exact time it must leave
I make love, love me, want me, miss me
perhaps not me; the version I craft
for love to see
what love wants it to be.

Love comes to me easily
and I make it stay
for if not love who else shall it be?
although I know, I know in my heart
love’s fine without me
I make love some tea, sing by the couch, tell a story
of a dream weaved together
does it even matter?

Love comes to me easily
and I make it stay
for now love knows so much of me
although I know, I know in my heart
there’s a new world shaping inside me
I make love light some candles, watch the sky, call for meaning
for love to find love within
maybe that’s how love should be.

Love comes to me easily
and I make it stay
although I know, I know in my heart
how I want to hold back
I make love discover a lost photo, an old promise, a better me
that’s not enough, never will it be
for real love is setting free.

Yet love comes to me easily
and this time I let it go
although I know, I know in my heart
life ahead is hard
facing questions with no answers
crevices of unknown depth
but the sun’s yet shining up so bright
So I look at myself in the mirror and ask why
for love is also choosing yourself
knowing your wrong, making it right.

(C) Nazneen Kachwala

accept what you can’t CHANGE what you can’t accept

Our lives oscillate between these two thoughts. What will you choose? Which one will you strike off? I often choose peace above everything else. But can we call it “peace ” if it’s not aligned with our conscience, mind and to the whole being? Do we need such peace? How long can we refrain from a war essential for peace, if that’s what it comes down to when we reject peace that is born out of submission, that accepts stagnancy?

I choose change above peace.

Why accept when you can change, and you must change? Why act just to please, and hide from your truth? Why not break this wheel today? To speak and hear what you want to, decide, power up, leave, and stay? Why not be free today?

— Nazneen Kachwala

Process & Purpose

Uncertainties scare us. The mental projection of having a controlled life device all our plans for predictable prosperity. There is action based on the accumulation of knowledge through books, discussions, and experiences of self and of others. But how can all this be validated and put to use in purely personal situations? Every individual has an accumulation of different sets of values, experiences, lessons, knowledge, sanskars, and filters through which they perceive the journey of life. And this difference makes each of us unique. How can we then rely on the learnings from a perspective separate from ours to navigate through the situations of our lives? How can our own experience of the past, the knowledge of the past, be applied in the constantly changing present? The situation as viewed through different lenses will appear different, similarly, the same individual may perceive the same situation differently with the changing lens of time. We label the situations, and people according to our lenses. As we change the lens, the label changes. How can we then justify being true to the situation, self, and life?

A simple answer to this is removing all the lenses that we wear from the past, and viewing the situation and self as it is. It starts with plain viewing and then observing and lastly understanding. Do we understand ourselves? Our lenses, filters, and the consequent mental projections? The only approach to this is meditating upon ourselves, not letting any thought, word, projection, or action go unnoticed – plain viewing without judgments, comparisons, or conclusions of good and bad, right and wrong. And then taking mental and physical notes – repeating this over months and years, we come to an understanding of self. I am reminded of the three words in this context – Tawassum, Tadabbur, & Tafakkur – reflection, thinking, and contemplation. This sets in the process.

But to what purpose? Why did we evolve to an extent to develop this kind of thinking? And what next? Or what’s towards the end? The curiosity of the end will come to rest when we adhere to the process. The purpose is to bring consistency to this process. Make the necessary corrections and shifts, remove all the lenses, labeling no situation, person, or self. More importantly, living in the present. A human mind either lives in the past or the future. Both cannot be touched. Past is only a memory, and the future is only a mental projection of our accumulations. It is only the present, this moment that we can hold and embrace. This moment is the only certainty. This moment alone is our purpose. And the purpose of the moment is to follow the process. 

In Light & Gratitude – Nazneen Kachwala

Choices & Chances

Zahir are the actions of an individual as visible in the outer world whereas Batin is the intention of the heart. Both work in a cyclic form complementing each other in purifying the soul. Most often we count upon good intentions and try putting a different meaning to an otherwise damaging action. “He didn’t mean it or she didn’t mean it.” We hear this. But I believe we cannot have the audacity to act until we live the situation and its consequences in our minds. When we act, we only choose to manifest our thoughts into reality. However, as a general tendency, we act fast to bad thoughts and respond late to good thoughts. Good and bad are subjective, of course. But we always know what’s our ‘good’ and ‘bad’. It’s just that the latter carries such irresistible diabolic energy, that we fall for momentary gratification, closing our eyes to all the possible repercussions we already know of. We may deny, give a hundred reasons defending our actions, and can give numerous subjective opinions and arguments about it, but practically, we always choose.

One thing I have experienced and learned with time – easy choices are mostly bad choices. And yes, we can make bad choices. We must give ourselves the space and liberty to do so. But growth comes when we develop the ability to understand, and acknowledge those and, given a second chance, choose responsibly, guarding our values above everything else. Life throws at us many chances, and our choices also define our chances. At times, we may have no chance to choose, while at others we may choose not to take a chance. Whatever, you choose, whatever chances you have – keep it simple. Avoid complexities – in thoughts, words, emotions, and actions. 

We do get affected by the choices of others around us. Particularly of those we tend to depend upon and expect from. Empathize with their choices. Doubt less and trust more. We may or may not be able to control the external factors to our liking but we can always culture our minds to remain unaffected in an unlikely situation. That’s the real test, isn’t it? And why control? Why depend on outer means for self-appeasement? 

Ask yourself difficult questions, the right questions. Ask yourself ‘why’ often. Let go whenever necessary even if it’s not easy. It’s not meant to be easy. Tough choices do not always bring better chances but it definitely gives a clear conscience and nothing can ever beat that. Nothing better than aligning our Zahir and Batin.

Let this circle of choices and chances, of Zahir and Batin, the seen and the unseen, be pure, with clarity in thoughts and meaning in actions.

In Light and Gratitude,

Nazneen Kachwala